This is a post that I’ve been dreaming up for some time. It’s the post that I wish I had read that week when I got the phone call that said, “You have cancer.” The week that my life became a game of Tetris as I tried to move around responsibilities so that I could continue caring for my children, being a wife to my husband, and going through surgery, recovery, and treatment.
“I don’t have time for this,” I remember telling my parents frantically. It was honest and true. And I immediately went about trying to make time, shoving those Tetris blocks into place even when they didn’t fit.
People asked me “What can I do to help?” But I had no idea what to tell them. I was still trying to go to work, care for kids because Darth and I were both full-time workers and full-time parents without childcare, and accept the fact that my body was about to be decommissioned for I didn’t know how long. I hated the question, “What can I do to help?”
But you don’t have to ask the same question! Here’s a list of things that I so WISH I had in front of me during that time. Most of these things I never even considered! This is a great list for moms going through cancer, and I invite you to send this blog post to anyone on your team who is helping you get through this difficult time. Just copy and paste the link, or copy and paste the list, and you will never have to field that question again.
Select and schedule a house cleaning service
You are going to be spending a lot of time at home – in bed, on your couch, in a cozy recliner, in the shower or bath. And it’s going to be all hands-on deck in your house, which means that the last thing your partner is going to think about is keeping things clean. (Also, if you are usually the one who keeps things clean, it’s just not going to be the same when your partner does it, right? I’m remembering the dust bunnies that floated around my bedroom during radiation treatments…). So have your friend schedule a time for someone to come clean your house. Bonus if they pay for it if they can, but you can pay for it if you like – it’s the effort of identifying the cleaning service and scheduling it that really takes the weight off!
Take you out while your house gets cleaned
If you’re up for outings, a friend can take you out to lunch, to a movie, or for a walk while your house gets cleaned.
Schedule childcare
This is definitely a bigger expense, so the friend or family member doesn’t have to pay for it (unless they really want to!) but simply the scheduling of childcare while you are recovering from surgery and going through chemotherapy or radiation can be a huge relief to the mental load. Just write down your list of when you need/want childcare, share it with your partner, and then give it to a friend or family member. If you have trusted people you can have your friends contact them, or you can ask them to use a trusted site like care.com.
Research your cancer
I love this one. There is so much info out there that it is overwhelming. And timelines between diagnosis and surgery or treatment are often so short that there isn’t time to second-guess doctors or read extensive medical jargon on websites. So take your smartest friends and ask them to do your research for you. This is even more effective as a team. You can ask your friends to teach you everything you need to know about your cancer, including side effects from treatment, alternatives to treatment, summaries of others’ experiences, and supplies that you might need to help heal. For breast cancer, please please have one friend research reconstruction and prostheses! You will thank them!
Make freezer-ready meals
One thing that friends did suggest to me was a meal train. But the thought of coordinating a week of dinners when I could barely think about tomorrow made my head spin. One easy thing that friends can do is make freezer-ready meals and drop them off whenever it works for them. That way, if you have a full fridge, you can freeze the meal until you need it. And, friends who don’t cook can get you UberEats, GrubHub, or DoorDash gift cards.
Schedule massage, acupuncture, or Jin Shin Jyutsu
Again, the friend can pay or you can pay. All three of these were so healing to me as I went through and recovered from chemo and radiation. Bonus: ask your friend to schedule an in-home treatment, so that you don’t even have to leave the house! If you and your friend can’t afford this one, ask your friend to find out if your health insurance covers it. Or, maybe your friend can learn reflexology and try it out on you!
These last two are a little different and more personal. I’m saying them for you, in case you can’t say them for yourself:
Hold you. Literally.
(This one is mostly for partners, but might be for parents and friends as well). Confession: there was this picture on a breast cancer website of a man holding a woman who wore a headwrap. He lay back on a couch with her body in front of him, and his arms around her. Actors of course, they were portraying a couple where the wife was going through chemo. And this image became a bit of a fantasy for me. I hoped that if I had to go through chemo, my partner would hold me that way and I would know that he was behind me and everything was okay. But that moment never seemed to happen for us, and I think it’s because I never asked for it. So now I’m asking for you: partners, parents, siblings, friends, if you’re comfortable, ask if you can hold your lover, child, sibling, or friend with cancer. Touch is healing.
Spend time together
It feels like the most vulnerable thing – asking someone to be with us when we are at 20% or 10% of our usual selves. But cancer treatment can be long and taxing, and you often don’t feel your best. Sometimes you want someone to be with you, but you’re too weak to even ask. Friends and family often want to “do” something for you, and you just want them to “be” near you so that you feel less alone. Here’s a text that you can send them:
I’d just love some company while I go through this. Here are three good times during the week when I’d love a visit. I probably won’t be myself, and I might even sleep a little bit of the time. But I’d love it if you would come and talk to me for awhile and keep me company.
If you’re like I was, the CEO, COO, CMO and CFO of your family, it might be difficult to think of things that you can outsource to others. We moms so often think that the mental load is ours to bear, and that no one can possibly share it with us. When cancer hits, it’s even more difficult to see how others can take on some of these necessary tasks. Hopefully this list not only helps you see how others can help, but gives you a list of suggestions that you can email to friends or post on social media. Or even better, post a link to this blog post with a wink.
And to the friends and family, this is just a start to the ways you can show up for your loved one. I know you can come up with more, so that you don’t need to ask the last question your friend wants to hear: “How can I help?”