The first couple of weeks of our nesting living arrangement post-separation, I thought I would go crazy. I had a constant fear of running out of underwear, or having nothing to wear to work, or going to the wrong house on the wrong day. Nevermind the fear that I would forget to pick up my kids and give my coparent a reason to ask for more in the divorce.
It was a stressful time, and I’m not going to sugarcoat this – choosing to nest (or birdnest, see previous post here) can be very difficult on a parent, especially a mom. Actually, our nesting arrangement gave me a lot of empathy for what my kids went through once we actually did start living in two houses and they were the ones who had to switch back and forth.
What Nesting Is
You can read my previous post about the pros and cons of nesting here. Should you not want to leave this very excellent and helpful post, I’ll give you a quick refresher: nesting is a living arrangement either during separation or divorce where the kids stay in the family home at all times, and the parents come and go, so that only one of the parents is living in the house with the kids at any given time.
My Advice for Nesting Parents
Have a contract
We actually drew up a “nesting agreement” that both of us signed. It included the days we would each be at the house, who else was allowed (or not allowed) in the home, and how to change the regular arrangement.
What didn’t we put in the contract that I wish we had? Expectations for cleanliness, terms about where the money for the mortgage would come from during our separation, a time for regular family meetings, and perhaps a list of which parent was responsible for which chores around the house.
Even though ours was simple, there were multiple times that I pulled out my copy of our nesting agreement to ensure that we were both holding up our ends of the bargain. It’s good practice for the divorce agreement that you will eventually write too.
Keep duplicates of things at both houses
It took me awhile (and the advice of a friend) before I realized the simple wisdom of this plan. I was always in such a tizzy when switching houses – it was easy to forget things like toothpaste, toothbrush, hairbrush, earrings. I ended up keeping a bunch of work clothes at each house, bought duplicates of my face washes, moisturizers, and makeup, and ended up wearing the same things more often than usual. The less I had to think about when transitioning, the better.
Know what you don’t have duplicates of at both houses
For me, it was my work bag, my yoga mat, and my running shoes. I did have to pack up, even if it was only a few things, each time I moved. So twice a week I packed up my work bag, my yoga mat, and my running shoes, and switched homes. There was a security in knowing that I always had those three things in my trunk. With them, I could go anywhere.
Discuss your expectations for exchanges
Is there a window of time that is acceptable? Will you use this time for a check in? Do you expect a text when your coparent is on the way? Will you talk to one another or give one another an update?
For awhile, I’ll admit that I thought about my coparent a bit like I might a babysitter: I left post-it notes of information and wrote email updates. But I’m not sure that was right. The point here is that these exchanges should go smoothly and cordially, for the kids’ sake. So agreeing on them can make the whole arrangement run more smoothly.
Have a weekly check in
Our couples therapist encouraged us to meet for 10-15 minutes each week to check in on how things were going with our arrangement. I think it’s a good idea, if you can deal with the discomfort that seeing your ex-spouse might cause. After all, you both still run the family business, just from different places. It seems that the kids feel more secure when they know that the parents still have a relationship that is separate from them.
Regularly ask the kids (if they’re old enough) how they feel about the arrangement, and what would make them more comfortable
This doesn’t mean that you have to change anything. You might be surprised at what they say! What’s most important is to ask the question and to give them space to share their feelings and thoughts. It’s easy to just keep going with this arrangement without saying anything. But remember – their world has just completely shifted (just like yours has!) and now that they’re with both of their parents less, they might feel less safe and less secure.
Do not ask the kids about what’s going on when the other parent is there. It puts them in between you in the relationship. And, do you really want to know?
When you’re not at the family home, stare at the wall and sleep
Nesting was emotionally and physically exhausting. When I was with my kids, I was solely responsible for them. Plus, I wanted to give them twice the love I normally did, now that I only saw them half the time. So I was stressed and sad when I was with them, but also happy to be with them.
When I wasn’t with them, I slept a lot. For a day after I left them, I would always feel off as I adjusted to my “other” life. I caught up on work. I read books. I stared at the wall. I went to recovery meetings. I let my mom cook for me and my dad take my car to get the oil changed. I just let myself heal.
Take care of the family home
When our separation began, our home was a mess of clutter. There were piles of board games in corners of the living room, and stacks of craft boxes along the dining room table. A trampoline took up way too much floor space, and the floors on our living level were in desperate need of refinishing. But none of it got done for two years. I actually did not think I was going to end up living in the house. Then, with a few last-minute changes, I found out that I would be living there just a month or two before our divorce was final. All of a sudden, I was thinking about the future of the space, not just the present.
We had not bothered to make any changes or updates to the house because we kept going back and forth about the terms of the divorce. So the clutter just grew, and each time I was in the home, the clutter crawled into my brain. It felt like all of our stuff (most of it wasn’t mine) was talking to me, filling up my head just like it filled up my home. Clearing it out immediately after Darth moved out was the best thing I could do. I only wish I’d done it sooner – no matter who was keeping the home.
You Won’t Go Crazy
We survived our nesting agreement for over two years. It began during Covid, when both Darth and I were working from home and before Bugg was in kindergarten, and lasted through school changes for the girls, a new job for Darth, and a promotion for me. In many ways it felt like two years of stagnation, but we were actually all moving forward with our lives, learning how to love in different ways, from different places.
When we finally did end up in two different homes and the kids started moving back and forth, I felt a great deal of sadness. I had grown used to more time with my parents, and I liked that the kids saw me and their dad together during our exchanges. The hardest part was not actually entering the nesting arrangement. The hardest part was leaving it for the post-divorce living arrangement.