In the months after Darth and I split, one of the things that occupied so much of my mental and physical time and space involved our emails. I could spend all day (or night) in my head planning what to say. I could write an entire email and then click on “Delete” because none of it seemed just right.
And then there were the emails that I received. The words (and the intent that I imagined behind them) stuck in my brain and my heart and made it nearly impossible to do anything else but think about them.
In short, it’s really easy to let communication with an ex-spouse, or soon-to-be ex-spouse, or spouse with whom you’re struggling, take over your entire life. And especially when it’s over email it seems to take over more of your life.
Texts can be quick, perfunctory, and unsent. But emails take time and attention and focus. And usually full sentences. There’s more screen, which means there’s more space. They’re like letters. Each time I opened up the Hotmail (I’m old school) screen to compose a message to Darth, it felt like my one chance to remind him of every reason that we still belonged together. (And, let’s be honest, to convince him that he was wrong to leave which really only demonstrates my lack of understanding of his side of the situation).
In our particular divorce, we agreed that email would be the preferred method of communication about any items that were not immediate or urgent. It wasn’t a perfect system, but if you’re trying to find a safe way to communicate with your spouse during or after divorce, here’s a little guide of Do’s and Don’ts for emailing your ex or soon-to-be ex-spouse.
DO
Stay on topic. Best advice I got: You are two members of a business at this point, whether that is dividing your assets or raising your kids. Your emails will be most effective if they stay on task.
DON’T
Use the fact that you and your ex-spouse can’t come to an agreement over email as an opportunity to psychoanalyze them and list every disease in the DSM that you have ever wanted to diagnose them with.
DO
Agree on times when you will communicate in a different way. Set ground rules for situations that require immediate attention, and whether text or phone call or some other method should be the first alternative to email.
DON’T
Always answer the email. It was revolutionary for me to realize that I did not have to respond right away, or even at all. While it is important to respond in a reasonable amount of time, especially on time-sensitive issues, if an email is more insult than communication, and if your response would either be defensive, hurt, or attack, then deleting the email and walking away from the situation can speak volumes more than your response would have.
DO
Make a pact with yourself to wait so many minutes/hours/days before responding to an email that is not time-sensitive or immediate.
DON’T
Expect comfort or connection like you may once have had with your spouse in these emails. They are words on a screen. They are not the fullness of a person and they do not express everything that you felt in your relationship. Nor will they be fulfilling as a relationship with your ex-spouse.
DO
Enlist a trusted friend to read over particularly sensitive emails that you are sent or want to send. Occasionally I saw an email I received in a completely different light after someone else interpreted it for me.
DON’T
Assume that an email is written in a particular tone of voice or with a particular intention.
DO
Start a completely new email thread if a conversation has gone off the rails. It allows you to disengage from toxicity and take the upper hand in the conversation.
DON’T
Expect to feel good after reading emails from your ex-spouse. So, DON’T read them when your energy is drained or you are already in a bad mood or feeling resentful. And don’t ever read an email when you are not in a space to handle the frustration it might cause.
Oh boy. This one. If I had only accepted this one from the beginning!
DO
Remember that boundaries mean you state what you are willing to do, not what you want the other person to do: “I can pick up the kids every day at 4…” And DO ONLY state things that you are willing to do! If you overpromise or try to win over your ex-spouse’s heart by taking on the lion’s share of the parenting responsibilities or giving over more assets than you like, all you will be doing is giving away time and money and receiving nothing but resentment in return.
DON’T
Email when drunk. Or late at night. Or when you should be doing something else. Or when your children are around.
DO
Save every email that you receive. They may be required as evidence.
DON’T
Write anything that you wouldn’t want used against you.
DO
Not be afraid to repeat things if you feel you are not being heard.
DON’T
Email all of his friends and family and tell them what an ass he was to you. Also don’t email all of his friends and family behind his back in an effort to stay connected to them.
Now, you may have a perfectly congenial relationship with your ex or soon-to-be ex-spouse, but if you do, then you’re probably not reading this post. If your relationship is going to consist of emails from here on out, then hopefully these tips can save you a lot of heartache and possible repercussions in your divorce proceedings. I think the two best pieces of advice that I received when our email relationship became particularly difficult were that I did not need to respond to every email, and that now I was part of a business relationship rather than a romantic relationship.
Things work pretty smoothly now, and I think it’s because we have learned to respect each other and to mind our own business in our email exchanges. We’re also not afraid to say when something makes us uncomfortable, or when we would be stretched too thin by a particular agreement.
Email can be a great way to communicate with your ex, when you adhere to some basic rules of decency.